Just As Much Read online

  “Fee, this isn’t me trying to get in your pants. You don’t have to choose what we are, right now. I’ll wait. Just tell me how you want me to behave.” I have waited too long not to have something with him, even if it is only until he gets bored.

  “Behave as if I said yes,” I say.

  “Treat you like my girlfriend?” he clarifies.

  “Yea,” I say.

  He smiles, “Done,” he says kissing me on the cheek and opening the door. I let Zeke off his lead and he runs to find his toys. I feel claustrophobic—like the walls are caving in so when we walk in, I just pace around the room taking a deep breath. Damian chuckles behind me while I still feel his lips on my cheek.

  “Are you scared of all relationships or just the idea of being in one with me?” he says, still smirking but I can tell he is asking a serious question.

  “All of the above,” I say pacing some more and refusing to look at him.

  “You haven’t agreed to anything, and I know that,” he says leaning against the doorway.

  “You’re changing the game, here,” I say. He walks over to me and grabs my shoulders from behind. My heart rate skyrockets and I feel the same electricity go through me as always when he touches me. But this time it has intensified—now I know what his lips feel like. Now I know what it is like for him to touch my bare skin—and want me. He waits until my breathing slows down.

  “Baby girl, I think you’ll find that the only thing that is going to change is that I can do this,” he says kissing my cheek from behind, “whenever I want.” I shudder and he laughs. He is right though, we have always blurred the lines. But I don’t give him the satisfaction of agreeing with him. I am too busy being mortified at how much my body is giving me away right now.

  “Will you stop laughing at me?” I say angrily, but it comes out squeaky as his breath reaches my neck.

  “Nah,” he says hugging me. “It’s just me, Fee. Stop feeling the need to run.” Hugging I am used to. Hugging is familiar. I can deal with hugging—I instantly relax in his arms and he can tell, I feel him stifle his laughter.

  “Easier said than done, I am afraid,” I say reaching up and holding on to his arms.

  “It doesn’t help that you are forcing me to show all my cards while I get the cool, calm, collected sexpert. You know way more about how I feel.”

  “Sexpert?” he says laughing.

  “Dame I swear to God, I will make your life a living hell if you don’t get that smug look off your face.”

  “Felicity, I have fought showing affection for you since day one because you told me not to.”

  “You could just be saying that,” I say.

  “I’m not. You can test me at any time.”

  I just pace for a few minutes longer. What does he mean—test him? Test to see if he is attracted to me?

  “So, what now?” I ask not looking at him.

  “Now you are going to eat your dinner,” he says leading me to the kitchen. He pulls out the chair and I sit down. He grabs my plate and rewarms it wordlessly, while I keep staring at him. He grins again.

  “Will you stop behaving like a caged animal?” he says putting the plate down. I grab the fork and I try to eat, but I am shaking.

  “When did you make this?” I ask.

  “While you were napping,” he says, and I am staring at all my favorite foods. Being wooed by a player has its high points—they know the game. He must have eaten when I was gone, because he just sits across from me. I feel like a caged animal. Like I am in a zoo and he is just watching me through the glass. I eat my food wordlessly, looking up occasionally to stare at his lips. He notices and stifles a laugh.

  “Did I grow a second head?” he asks taking my plate. I don’t laugh. He knows this scares me. I won’t recover from this. The rules I have lived by religiously this year are no longer applying.

  “Talk, Fee,” he says.

  “Damian, you may have it in you to go back if this goes wrong but I won’t—everything will change,” I say not looking at him.

  “It already has Fee,” he says filling up a glass of water and handing it to me. He puts his hand on my chin and tilts it, so I have to look at him, “You love me, you are just too afraid to do this. We can’t keep pretending.”

  “So, what now?” I say.

  “Now, we calm you down.”

  “Come on,” he says taking my hand. He grabs his laptop and leads me to my room. He made my bed for me.

  “What are we doing?” I ask still weary.

  “We are turning on a show and snuggling,” he says.

  “Why in here?” I ask—we have spent all weekend in his room, it feels odd to just switch.

  “You would prefer the couch?” he says with a cocky grin. I throw a pillow at him.

  “I figured as much,” he says sliding the desk so we can see the screen from my bed.

  “Show?” he asks setting it up. I just smile at him.

  “Shouldn’t have even asked,” he says turning on Grey’s. I settle on the bed laying on my side and he lays down behind me putting his arm around my waist.

  He waits until I relax and then snuggles me closer. My body pulls towards him before my head starts to panic. I am overthinking. I want this, so much.

  “Fee, the only thing that’s changing is us admitting how we feel,” he says, and he is right. We do this all the time.

  He absentmindedly rubs my stomach with his thumb. We don’t do that all the time. Chills go down my body and I let myself enjoy him touching me for once. He wants me. He is touching me.

  Feeling safe and watching reruns, I close my eyes and drift off.

  I wake up in Damian’s arms, my head on his chest. Netflix is asking if we are still there and it is too early to be up, really. So, I just nuzzle closer, I feel a slight warmth. I can do that. I can cuddle up and it’s okay. He chuckles and kisses my temple.

  “Someone is feeling less on edge,” he says.

  “Am I keeping you up?” I whisper.

  “Don’t you dare move,” he says pulling me closer. I chuckle at him.

  “Can I ask you a question?” he asks.

  “Hmm,” I say.

  “The friendzone deal, why did you do it if you liked me?”

  “I thought it would be the only way to get to keep you. You would have had sex and left me by now,” I say, too honestly.

  “Fee…I wouldn’t have.”

  “Damian, I am still not sure you won’t now,” I sigh. He sighs as well.

  “You didn’t just friendzone me because of me,” he says, and I look up at him confused.

  “You’re afraid of commitment,” he says.

  “Pot meet Kettle,” I say leaning back down and snuggling back against him.

  “Wow, I just never thought I would be the more committed one,” he says.

  “Committed to what? I have agreed to nothing,” I say.

  “No, you haven’t,” he says sighing.

  “Goodnight,” I say going back to sleep. He covers me up.

  “Night, Fee,” he says.

  I wake up before he does. He shifted during the night and he’s on the opposite side of the bed, with his hand still on my arm. I carefully move it and grab my laptop and phone. I text Natalie and ask if she wants to hang out for a bit. I need out of this love nest. This is our first school day off. We have all week and I am scared.

  Nat texts back and says she’s free from two to five.

  I silently read on my Kindle app while Damian shifts closer.

  “What are you doing,” he mumbles.

  “Looking up the basketball team, I hear they’re my type,” I say.

  “Not funny, Fee,” he says looking up at my screen and double checking.

  “Made you look though,” I say. I shakily lift my hand up and touch his hair—testing what I can or can’t do. He reacts—not as embarrassingly as I do, but he does. He smiles at my attempt.

  “You can do that anytime,” he says, answering my unasked question and I smil
e. I could get used to this, but I shouldn’t let myself.

  “I have basketball players to hit on,” I say moving my hand back down.

  “You aren’t going to make this easy on me, are you?” he asks.

  “You changed the rules, not me,” I say. “And I imagine you aren’t going to make it easy to keep refusing to be your girlfriend.”

  “Would you rather I not try?” he asks, somewhat hurt. I don’t want this to fail. Failing means we will have to stop seeing each other. Failing means him giving someone else my breath-taking kisses.

  “You panicked, Fee. I did what you asked, and you panicked. You’re still panicking, and you were the one who said to treat you like a girlfriend. I just need to know if you want me to stop.”

  “I’d rather not be right about this one,” I say sheepishly.

  “Why did you ask me to kiss you? Why give me the go ahead to keep kissing you if you think this is going to fail?” he asks as I sit my computer back on the desk and sit on the edge of the bed. I decide to be honest. But my back is to him, and I know he will notice.

  “I’d rather get what I want, even if it’s probably not going to last,” I say not looking at him. I get up and head to the bathroom. He follows.

  “That’s dark, Baby Girl,” he says.

  “That’s life, Dame,” I say starting the shower.

  “Want to go out tonight?” he asks from the doorway.

  “A date?” I ask.

  “One could call it that,” he says.

  “Dates seem official,” I say uneasily taking off my hoodie—I am wearing a dark blue bralette underneath, so I figured it was safe to take it off, after all he has technically seen me naked. He looks disappointed and I hear Natalie telling me to enjoy this in my head and I sigh.

  “It’s just dinner, Fee.”

  “We eat dinner all the time,” I say.

  “Exactly. It is just dinner.”

  “That doesn’t sound like someone who is trying to convince me to date them,” I say.

  “You panicked at a kiss, I am trying to take it slow here,” he says watching me as I grab a towel and get ready for a shower. If I am getting a real first date with Damian Turner, I expect it to be worthy of that. We may only get one.

  “No, if you are taking me on a date, you are taking me on a date. I expect dinner and dessert and all the hearts and flowers,” I say confidently.

  He eyes me closely and walks over towards me. I am pushed against the sink and my brain is telling me to run but I ignore it, instead I touch his arm and pull him closer.

  He stares for a minute, carefully examining me. I keep trying to breathe and I swallow. He kisses me on the cheek and I about die, mostly from lust but partially from the fear of this not being real.

  “Let’s not pretend you aren’t terrified, Baby Girl,” he says, and I reach up and kiss him on the lips, surprising him and myself. He grins down at me.

  “Hearts and flowers, huh?”

  “Definitely,” I say breathlessly. He still eyes me carefully.

  “Are we hanging out until our date or do I have time to plan?” he says.

  “Natalie and I are meeting up at two.”

  “Good. I’ll pick you up at seven,” he says.

  “Where at our door?” I laugh.

  “Take your shower,” he says smiling as he walks out. “Oh, and take your hoodie off like that in front of me again, and you’ll be late to visit Natalie.”

  “Good to know, now go,” I say swallowing down the fear again and he chuckles, knowing exactly what he did. Of course, I kind of knew what I was doing taking off my hoodie with just a half shirt on—I bothered him. Damian was all hot and bothered. By me.

  A Real Date

  “So, you want to know a way to make sure he is committed?” Natalie asks as we let Zeke play at the park. She has Meredith on the phone on speaker so she can listen too. She is at the beach.

  “Kind of,” I say.

  “I think time is your only option, Fee. The more he stays away from other women and commits to you, the more you will feel sure,” Natalie says.

  “I think you’re insane,” Meredith says after she hears about the entire weekend.

  “Yea,” I say.

  “Fee, he knows you’re sexually attracted to him and you already told him that abstinence is the key to getting you. You have sex, he will run,” Meredith says.

  “Meredith did you even hear the rest of that story?” Nat asks, “he took care of her all weekend. When Monica puked in her room freshman year he ran out, he definitely didn’t wash her and her bedsheets off.”

  “Because he got nothing out of washing Felicity off, definitely didn’t get to see or touch anything,” Meredith says rolling her eyes.

  “If he wanted sex, he could get it. He hasn’t given it up for anyone else, other than her,” Nat says.

  “I am right here,” I say.

  “Sorry,” Natalie says.

  “I know Damian, he wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. I don’t think this is a game to him, Mere. I just don’t know if I will be enough…to you know…keep his interest,” I mutter.

  “Oh, you stop that right now,” Natalie says.

  “Honey, if he decides to sleep with anyone else after saying he would be with you, he is an idiot,” Meredith adds.

  “And don’t get me wrong, Damian Turner is an asshole and Felicity deserves better—but we all know that this needs to happen,” Natalie adds.

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “Fee, either you two need to get together and stay together or get together and break up so you can move on. You aren’t going to move on by staying his best friend or by cutting him off and wondering what if for the rest of your life,” she says.

  “Can’t say I disagree with that one,” Meredith adds.

  “Nat, pick up the phone,” Meredith says and I let them conspire.

  At five Natalie takes me back to her dorm to pick out an outfit.

  “I use your closet like a shopping mall.”

  “And that’s okay. How is a little black dress?”

  “Perfect,” I say holding it up.

  I head back to the apartment to shower and get ready. Damian is in the living room.

  “Hey,” he says as I walk in.

  “Hi,” I say. “Whatcha working on?”

  “Facebook,” he says laughing.

  “Fun,” I say sitting my stuff down. I head to the fridge and refill my water and Damian gets up and follows me.

  “Yes?” I say as he stares from the kitchen. He takes a deep breath and gives me a look that says he definitely isn’t happy about something.

  “You got a call today,” he says.

  “I did?” the only people who call the landline number were Melody, Damian, and Damian’s family.

  “Someone named Sam? He wanted to say he was sorry about the other night and that he really wanted to actually hear back from you,” Damian says trying not to sound as jealous as that made him. I laugh and he is taken back.

  “That was a struggle for you,” I say taking a sip of my water. Damian just glares. It kind of feels good being the one on solid footing. I soak it in for a minute while he looks at me impatiently.

  “Sam is my lab partner, the one who bailed on our mid-term study session. He probably wants notes. He has been dialing my cell for the past few days and I didn’t answer any of his messages. He probably just looked up the main number,” I say. Damian and I only got the landline because reception is so poor in our apartment, they are oddly common in our area of campus.

  “Ohh! Oh, thank God,” he says taking a breath.

  I just laugh again. “Yep. I could totally date the whole basketball team and you totally would handle it.”

  “Shut it, Baby Girl.”

  “I am going to go get ready for our date,” I say rolling my eyes.

  I am out of the shower with my hair in a towel when I hear the door buzzer go off. Damian is the one who answers, but I go out to see who it is. Natalie
is at my door. I thought she had practice?

  “I came to help you feel special tonight, Fee. I figured I could help you curl your hair?”

  “I’ll let you two, to it,” Damian says winking at me when he goes by.

  “I don’t own a curling iron,” I say, and Natalie pulls one out of her purse.

  “Got you covered, Baby Girl,” she says mockingly. “Just sit down.”

  Natalie curls my hair in the kitchen, but at six thirty she gets a phone call.

  “Damian! Can you come here?” she says.

  He comes in.

  “Answer that. She’d rather talk to you,” she says, and I turn around and look at her.

  “I have a weapon in my hand, Fee. Keep still,” she says, and I hear Damian say hello to whomever is on the line.

  “Who is that?”

  “Who do you think?” she says. Meredith.

  “God is she threatening him?” I ask.

  “Lord knows,” she says, and we laugh as Natalie transitions to doing my make-up.

  Damian gets off the phone and looks at me.

  “Are you done, Natalie?” he asks, he looks like he is concerned. What did Meredith do?

  “In fact, I am,” she says. I go to my bathroom and look in the mirror. I look like me, which is good. I don’t want to try to be anyone else—but Natalie specifically highlighted my blue eyes and contoured my face just enough that I feel really good about myself. And my hair looks amazing.

  “Thank you,” I say looking at Nat.

  “No problem, Sweetie. Have fun tonight,” she says squeezing my hand.

  “Thank you,” I say as Natalie hugs me and leaves.

  I turn around and Damian is standing there in a buttoned shirt and jeans leaning against the door and holding lilies.

  “They’re your favorite right?” he says. I look at him shocked.

  “You did say hearts and flowers,” he adds, and I laugh.

  “They are my favorite, thank you,” I say touching one of the petals and staring at them.

  “What is it?” he asks.

  “No one has ever gotten me flowers before,” I say softly as I put them in some water. A glass water bottle will have to do as a vase.

  “Really? Not even prom?”

  “First prom was post-seizure, second I didn’t want to go.”