Just As Much Read online

  “Dame…” I say. I don’t like being nurtured so much. It isn’t what I am used to—it feels foreign.

  “Don’t fight me on this,” he says putting an arm around me. I wasn’t planning to, not if he is offering. I just want to sleep. And to be with him, without the anger or pretending.

  “I give up,” I say pulling closer to him.

  “Fee. Rest.”

  Damian holds me all night and I let him.

  He plays with my hair and I let him.

  He kisses the back of my head, my forehead, my cheek—and I let him.

  When we woke, he put ice on my eye—I must have hit it when I fell. He kissed it too, lightly—and you guessed it, I let him.

  We don’t talk. Wordless all night and most of the morning, I just let him cross the line, all in small gestures, and embrace it.

  I want to feel safe.

  I want to feel loved.

  I’m glutton for punishment.

  We stay in his bedroom. I am exhausted and moody from the seizure, and he knows it. I cling on to him more than I ever have, and I don’t know how I am going to stop myself when the day is over, but I am going to have to.

  My emotions are off and I—I don’t remember ever feeling so taken care of, it makes me feel both sad and happy at the same time. I don’t know if the tears are sad or happy ones, but they fall from my face as Damian holds me in his bed. He has Netflix on, but I don’t think either one of us are watching it, just allowing it to make noise.

  “Hey, what is that for?” he says noticing after a while.

  “Nothing—just thank you,” I say, and he nods.

  “You’ve said that.”

  “I meant it.”

  I take a nap and Damian is there when I wake up, staring out the window in his recliner.

  “Hello, babysitter of mine,” I say groggily.

  “Baby girl,” he says sipping some coffee.

  “What are you thinking about?” I ask him.

  “You,” he says softly.

  “What about me?” I ask sitting up, scared. I knew this conversation was coming.

  I look away from him. Do we want to do this?

  “Do we have to do this?” I say looking down. He walks over and sits next to me on his bed.

  “Talk to me, Fee,” he says placing his hand on my knee, the one still dangling off the bed and my skin buzzes at his touch. He has all the lights on. So, I try. I try desperately to not show any sort of attraction, just like I always do—but after yesterday, it’s too hard. I can hear my own breathing. He grins.

  “Damian,” I say breathlessly, but he just smiles at me, not moving his hand. He slightly squeezes, trying to encourage me, but now all I can focus on is his hand, and the fact that I am blatantly overexposed. He can see how affected I am and I feel a mixture of lust, love, and humiliation.

  “Why have you been avoiding me?” he asks, and I gulp.

  “You play to win, don’t you,” I say shakily. He just swipes his thumb on my leg and watches as the goosebumps form. I don’t stop him. Frankly, I don’t want him to stop.

  “Ask me to move my hand and I will,” he whispers in my ear. He is the devil. The absolute devil.

  “You know why I avoided you,” I whisper. “I’m guessing it’s already been said.”

  “Incoherent drunk ramblings aren’t a conversation, Fee.”

  “But you know. Isn’t that good enough for your ego? Why make me say it?”

  “My ego wants you to tell me and to know why you’re blushing.”

  “Your ego can go to hell.”

  “Alright,” he says, he is trying to contain a laugh. He puts his hand further up on my leg and I feel a shock rip through me and my face flushes. He smiles. I need to get it together. I am not doing this. But he is literally a sexpert and he is focusing all of that potential on me.

  “So, you are attracted to me, I see,” he says, and I stop looking at him.

  “Damian,” I warn.

  “Felicity,” he says coolly not moving his hand. I feel his gaze on mine. He is waiting for a signal from me.

  “Are you getting a kick out of humiliating me?”

  “In truth? Yes,” he says smiling.

  “Alex told me that you hadn’t been out in a while. Is that what this is. Are you horny?”

  “I haven’t been out. And no, I am not touching you because I am horny.”

  “Have you been…” I start and stop. He stares at me all cocky. He is going to make me say it.

  “I mean have you?” I ask, he has me all flustered. I just woke up and he has been sitting there calculating this conversation while I slept. My nonverbals are giving me away.

  “Have I what?” he says, still grinning evilly.

  “I am noticing a cruel streak in you,” I say exasperated and he laughs.

  “Have I what, Fee?” he says, encouraging me by squeezing my leg.

  “Entertained leggy blonde bombshells?” I ask.

  “Have you seen me with any?” he asks, and I look down.

  “I have actively avoided you on the weekends since couchgate,” I mumble.

  “I noticed. Couchgate? Is that what we are calling it?” he laughs.

  “Damian,” I whine, his thumb is moving causing sparks to go down my body.

  “The moment I saw how jealous you were and that I had a chance with you, I stopped, Fee. I stopped with Kyra. I stopped picking up women. I stopped all of it.”

  “You did?”

  “I didn’t know that I could try to be with you, Fee. I thought that ship had sailed from the beginning or I would have stopped much sooner. If you would have talked to me, I would have told you this. Heck, you would have seen that I have been home on the weekends. Here. Wanting to be with you.”

  “Who says that ship hasn’t sailed?” I say. He moves slightly forward; his hand is now on my inner thigh and I close my eyes.

  “I think your body language says it hasn’t. That and the fact you haven’t told me to keep my hand to myself yet.”

  “There’s a difference between love and lust, Dame.”

  “I know. People who feel just lust don’t sleep in the other’s bed because the smell comforts them, they don’t clean up puke or deal with tantrums, and they definitely don’t put up with the shit you have been putting up with, Fee. You should have told me long before now,” he says.

  “I know you l—care for me,” I say avoiding the l word, “This weekend, everything you are doing or have done for me, I know you have feelings for me okay? I have always known…but I won’t recover if this is just a temporary thing for you, or if you are testing the water with my emotions. Please, don’t make me fall for you like this. Not if you’re going to shred my heart,” I say looking down at his hand. His thumb is rubbing circles into my skin—I’ll never be able to stop feeling them. I close my eyes.

  “I have no intention of hurting you and I’ll prove it.”

  “How?”

  “Fee, you are amazing. I like you just as much as you like me. I feel like the biggest ass, because last night you told me that I was hurting you every time I even talked about a girl…”

  “Shit,” I sigh. I told him too much. He uses his free hand and tilts my chin.

  “I want you. So, it’s your turn to make a choice, Fee. If you want me to continue to be your friend or overprotective big brother, fine. I’ll watch Grey’s Anatomy, grin and bear you dating other people when it gets to that point. You want sex? I’m more than willing. Say the word. But if you want me, really want me, as a boyfriend, all you have to do is say when. Because I have made my choice and it is you. I won’t be sleeping with anyone, dating anyone, or so much as looking for anyone and if you need me to prove that I won’t get bored—I’ll wait as long as you need me too,” he says as he pulls his hand completely away. I feel a sudden emptiness and a ghost of his hand is still touching me.

  “You decide what we are. You decide what we do, and I won’t give up until you tell me to,” he says walking away. I si
t there breathless.

  I eventually follow him. He is heading to the kitchen.

  “So, if I say let’s have sex,” I ask as he opens the fridge.

  “Then we have sex,” he says grabbing two plates of food out.

  “If I say no sex, ever,” I ask him as he puts the first on in the microwave.

  “Then it’s not happening. But I’d stick with you,” he says gesturing with his fork.

  “Yea. Right. You’re an addict,” I scoff, and he gives me a look and grabs glasses out of the cabinet.

  “I wouldn’t go quite that far,” he says pouring us both some water.

  “If I say let’s have sex and then move out and never talk to you again,” I say as the timer goes off. He grabs the plate and sits it on my side of the table and looks up at me.

  “Then we have sex and you go,” he says looking sad at that one.

  “And you will just remain celibate? Even if I go fuck the football team?” I ask as he starts the second plate.

  “I’d go with the basketball team if I were you, they have more of the build you are attracted to, but yea. That’s where this is heading,” he says going to the drawer and handing me a fork.

  I roll my eyes at him.

  “You can’t be serious.” I say as I sit down at my spot and look at the food. Did he make food earlier? This looks delicious.

  “About the football team? Dead serious,” he says with a grin grabbing his plate and sitting down.

  “No, you can’t be serious about doing whatever I want.”

  “Try me.”

  “Kiss me,” I say, and he sits down his fork and pulls my chair over towards him making a violent noise on the floor. The neighbors will love that one. He grips my chin and looks me in the eye.

  “You sure, Fee?” he says, and I nod and then his lips are on mine. He doesn’t just kiss me, he devours me without showing any mercy. Pent up energy and emotions went into his movements as he traces my lips with his tongue before dipping it in my mouth to play with mine, slowly and insistently. When I get past the initial shock, I lean into him and join him in his movements, this encourages him and I didn’t think it was possible, but his kiss becomes even more possessive. He moves his arms down and pulls me out of my chair and on to his lap then cups my neck to pull me in closer as he deepens the kiss. His other hand is underneath my shirt gripping onto my bare back.

  The butterflies I have always felt intensify to a lust that I can barely control. This is a lethal kiss—our friendship is dying as we finally break for oxygen, my forehead resting against his. He places a final kiss on my nose and sits me back in my chair. Honestly, I am grateful for the help. I feel like mush. That wasn’t a kiss. That was lip sex. That was—oh my God.

  “Jesus Christ,” he says breathing heavily. He takes a moment before he looks at me. I stare at him, he is flustered—he’s never reacted that way. Not from what I saw. He laughs and looks at his food. Panic rushes to my gut and I start feeling remorse and fear and every gut-wrenching emotion possible. I feel like I can’t breathe. What did I just do? I stand up. There is no turning back from this now. I just cornered myself in his web. He is just all lusty from stopping his escapades. This can’t be real.

  “Fee, don’t,” he says starting to come towards me, but I can’t. I can’t handle this.

  I go into the other room and try to breathe. It isn’t working. Zeke looks at me intensely. Damian comes into the room and just watches me as I pace around. I can’t be where he is, right now. I need out of here.

  “Wanna walk?” I ask Zeke and he lights up and goes for his lead.

  “Fee…” Damian says cautiously. He is still worried about me, I hear fear ebbing in his voice.

  “Zeke needs out,” I say grabbing my coat.

  “Let me go with you,” he says. But my slip-on shoes are by the door, and he is in his bare feet. I can make it outside before he is ready to go out.

  “No, just stay here,” I say putting both of my hands up as if I could stop him. I need to breathe and he’s the weight on my chest. He looks shattered and I just walk out with Zeke in hand.

  I need to step outside the little love nest he has purposefully created. I take Zeke to the corner and let him do his business while I sit on the bench. I immediately call Natalie.

  “I need to hear it,” I say without a hello.

  “Damian is an incredible human being, but he has no clue how to treat a woman with the respect you deserve, and you deserve better.”

  “I kissed him.”

  “Oh, honey, you didn’t.”

  “I did. He hasn’t slept with anyone since that day with Kyra. He says he’s done, he wants me.”

  “And you think that will last, Fee?”

  “I don’t know. He told me he will wait for me to decide, that I can pick what we do and…”

  “And you chose to kiss him?”

  “Yes…”

  “Fee…” she says, and I explain our weekend.

  “He washed your hair?” she says an octave higher.

  “He did and he slept in that damn recliner.”

  “Don’t you both have beds?” she says, and I hear her eye roll.

  “He was watching to make sure I was okay,” I say softly.

  “It sounds like he does want to be with you,” she says.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be talking me out of this? Aren’t you and Meredith on a mission to help me not fall for Damian?”

  “It was a lost cause anyway.”

  “Nat…”

  “Have sex with him. See if he runs.”

  “I don’t think I will be able to handle that,” I say.

  “Why not?”

  “Because one kiss has my head spinning and what if he runs?” I won’t be able to handle it if he runs. I can’t breathe.

  “Then you’ll have answers, won’t you?”

  “I can’t. I can’t do that to myself.”

  “Okay, what do you need?” she asks.

  “I feel like I can’t breathe,” I say tearing up. “He’s changed the rules, Nat. And I don’t think I can handle it.”

  “Where are you?” she asks, and I can hear her moving.

  “You don’t need to come.”

  “Felicity, where are you?” she says.

  “Don’t come.”

  “What do you want me to do, Fee?”

  “I want you to talk me out of this. I want you to tell me to go back into that apartment and act like I have a spine!” I shout.

  “Why? Because showing a man that you love him is the worst thing in the world?” she says softly, “You don’t want to show Damian how you feel because you’re afraid, not because you don’t want him.”

  “I can’t. What if he walks away?”

  “You can. You just have to let him in, Fee. You have wanted this for a year, and yes, it may only be temporary. Why don’t you just enjoy it? You already kissed, it’s not like you can go back to watching Netflix and pretending you don’t want him. The secret is out Fee, you aren’t going to be the same now.”

  “True that, thank you,” I say trying not to cry anymore, but I have an anchor in my chest.

  “Now, I am going to stay on the line while you get your shit together. Just breathe, okay?” she says, and I stare off into space, just enjoying the fact that she knows me well enough to know I don’t want to talk. She is an amazing person.

  “Better?” she asks after about ten minutes.

  “Yea.”

  “So, what are you going to do?” she asks me.

  “Running sounds like such a good option,” I say with a caustic laugh.

  “Felicity…”

  “I am going to enjoy it while it lasts,” I sigh, and I can hear her smile on the other line.

  “Good, now go inside. You have to be freezing.”

  “But Nat…” but she hangs up before I finish her name. I toss the phone in the grass and mock scream into my hands. My life just became far too complicated.

  “There you are,
” Damian says coming up behind me and Zeke. He picks up my phone and hands it to me.

  “I was barely gone a half hour, Dame.”

  “At night. Alone. With a dog that would lick a thief to death.”

  “I needed to think,” I said.

  “On the phone?” he asks.

  “Yea,” I say.

  “Interesting. Mattie?” Damian says looking down.

  “Jealous already?” I ask.

  “I didn’t say I wouldn’t be jealous, I said I would handle it,” he says.

  “Huh, well. It wasn’t him.”

  “None of my business, Baby Girl,” he says offering a hand to help me up. He doesn’t let go and takes Zeke’s lead as we walk him a little longer. He laces our fingers and I pull away.

  “Dame,” I whisper. He stops and holds out his hand, just waiting for me to take it. I think about what Natalie said, this could be temporary, and I am going to lose him if he’s not telling the truth anyway. I might as well enjoy this time with him. So, I take his hand back and try to keep breathing through the weight of butterflies in my stomach.

  “Whoever it was got you to relax,” he says, “Sort of.”

  “Oh yea, phone throwing and all. She really cured me,” I say rolling my eyes.

  “She,” he repeats.

  “Yea, you’re going to be totally fine if I date other people.”

  “Let’s get you in,” he says heading back to the apartment.

  “I don’t want to lose us,” I say looking down. I loved that kiss—despite my panic attack, I want more kisses.

  “I have no intention of losing you. You need to know that I am serious, so I will wait until you know that I am. Just tell me how to behave until then, Fee. Do you want me to back off? Pretend everything is the same?”

  “I don’t think I can do that, not with me feeling like this,” I say breathlessly and feeling entirely too vulnerable. He grins.

  “That’s promising,” he says still smirking as he types in the building code.

  “I can’t say yes, Damian. You’re probably just in sex withdrawal.”

  “I am not in sex withdrawal, Felicity. Jesus.”

  “You have to admit, I am convenient. You know I have feelings. I am right across the living room…”