Just As Much Page 9

  I knock, knowing it will offend him if I don’t. Damian gives me a sideways glance and I shrug. Daniel answers and I try to head into the living room to get my things. I knew he would have them ready so I would leave sooner.

  “Keep that obnoxious fur bag outside,” he says as I try to pass him.

  “He is my service dog, Daniel. He comes with me everywhere—I can’t leave him outside.”

  I push inside with Zeke anyway, and Damian follows. I refuse to leave Zeke outside in the cold, or make Damian hold him out there in this weather.

  “You never could just fucking listen,” Daniel says rolling his eyes.

  “This must be the guy Mel says you’re fucking,” Daniel says eyeing Damian.

  “That’s actually a misunderstanding, we are friends. Hi, I am Damian,” Damian says offering a hand. Daniel just looks at him and then me and says nothing to him.

  “Is this all of it?” Daniel says pointing at the box at my feet in the entryway.

  “It looks like all my winter gear,” I say opening it and looking at its contents.

  “No, dumbass. Is this all your shit? Are you finally moved out of here?” he says, and I sigh. Damian gives me a sideways glance.

  “I have a few trunks—all the things that Nan left for me, stuff from my parents. Plus, my furniture in my room.”

  “I bought the furniture,” he says. I knew better than to mess with him. Daniel, as a guardian, was strict and angry. I know when to push and when not to. It’s not worth arguing with him anymore, I am no longer his problem.

  “Yes, you bought the furniture. So, I guess I just have my trunks and a few odds and ends then,” I say calmly, pretending he is being kind and welcoming. I can play this game. I have done it most of my life.

  I was always the bane of his existence. He loved making my life miserable. I would hear him complain to my sister, “When is she going to fucking leave? We have our own life to live, our own children to make!”

  When Mel would remind him that I couldn’t just leave, that I needed someone to help me, Daniel would say, “your parents left us with a fucking nuisance in that child.”

  Mel always wrote off his anger. She said that he says these things in the heat of the moment, he never actually meant them. But when it comes to me, he has always been hostile since I was fifteen. Ever since Mel started worrying about my health more than he thought she should. Then she just stopped worrying about me altogether to get him to stop.

  “You need to get all that and just be done with it,” he says.

  “Yea, Daniel,” I say.

  “Don’t sass me, Felicity, just do it.”

  “Where would you like me to put three trunks in my dorm room, Daniel?” I say, my sarcasm slipping through. It always does, eventually.

  “I don’t care where you put them, just come and get them out of my house.”

  “I’ll get them as soon as I can.”

  “Good, now get out. I have a meeting with a client at five,” he says

  Damian grabs the box and I open the door for him and we head out into the cold to wait for the Uber. Neither one of us say goodbye to Daniel as we walk out.

  I let Zeke go out and ignore Damian’s silence. I figured Daniel would show himself, but you would think a lawyer would have a better poker face.

  “He’s pleasant,” Damian says walking over to me.

  “He’s a gem, isn’t he?” I say pulling up the Uber app and seeing how long we were going to be out here—nine minutes. I am already freezing.

  “Fee…”

  “What?”

  “Nothing,” he says softly. He is pitying me, and I hate pity, so I turn to him.

  “Don’t nothing me, what is it?” I say harshly.

  “It’s just—”

  “Let it go, Daniel is Daniel. I should have known better than to bring you here, he is always a dick.”

  “You mean you didn’t want me to hear how yet another one of your family members constantly verbally abuses you?” he says shaking his head and looking away from me. I take a few minutes and watch my breath go in and out in clouds in the cold air. Damian continues, “That is what that is, you realize that right?” he says, “Verbal abuse.”

  “Only family members. I have Mel and Daniel. My parents were only children. No cousins, no aunts. Just them,” I say softly. “And don’t judge my family, Damian. You barely know them. Mel isn’t normally like that. She is just stressed after one of my spells. I think they scare her. Plus, you would be cranky too if you had to deal with Daniel all the time, no?” I sigh.

  “You don’t have anyone but your sister and brother-in-law?” he asks with concern on his face.

  “My grandmother died when I was sixteen—Mel and Daniel are it.”

  “And they have always treated you that way?” he says. I am not talking about this. But he takes my silence as a yes.

  “We are estranged. I don’t really talk to Mel unless I need help. Not every family is perfect, Damian.”

  “I see,” he says sitting down the box. “That’s awful. He shouldn’t talk to you that way.”

  I shake my head and wave down the Uber. I get in and put Zeke in-between Damian and me in the backseat as a buffer.

  The Uber drops us off at Oberton and Damian follows me into my room. I pull of Zeke’s vest, my coat, and head straight to my futon and wrap in a blanket—freezing from the outdoors. Damian follows suit. I can tell he still wants to talk about it, but he knows better. He smiles and says, “So, what movie?”

  Big Mouth

  The next day, Damian and I don’t get our usual coffee because he is helping his brother, so I head to the library to finish my homework so I can just relax tomorrow.

  I am taking a literature course this semester and I have a paper due. So I stay in my study room until I am done writing—but it’s four o’clock and I am famished. I haven’t eaten today.

  So, I head to grab a quick to go plate from the dining hall. Lately when I go there by myself, I hear comments about me and Zeke or me and Damian, so I try to avoid it. I have found that if I wear headphones—without the music—I can avoid talking to people while still being able to hear as I order. I head in to grab my food and I hear them.

  “Dude, I wouldn’t,” says a guy behind me. Zeke pulls a little on his lead. I see a guy walking towards me and a friend who has stopped him.

  “Why?” he says.

  “That’s Felicity Stewart.”

  “I know who it is dude, not many people have service dogs here,” the guys scoffs. I glance over and see Alex, Damian’s friend and some of the guys from their frat.

  I pretend that I can’t hear them.

  “Damian’s Felicity,” another guy says. What is with men? Damian doesn’t have some claim on me.

  “Are they dating?” the guy asks.

  “No, but I just wouldn’t man,” another guy says.

  “Not unless you want her convulsing in the morning,” Alex says in warning.

  My heart stops. Damian told them?

  “So, the dog is for epilepsy?”

  “Yea, and from what I hear, it’s pretty messy. Find another formal date,” Alex says. I drop my to-go box and fork and run out of there.

  I hear Alex say “Shit,” and follow me but I storm back towards the dorm, Zeke is barely keeping pace behind me.

  “Felicity wait!” I hear behind me. “Felicity!”

  But I keep running until I run right smack into Damian, who is leaving the dorms.

  “Whoa, Fee, what’s the rush?” he says, and Alex catches up with me.

  “Do you run track?” he says breathless and I open the second door and move past the two of them, giving Damian a dirty look in the process. Zeke is panting, I am going to have to grab him some water, so I head to the bathroom and fill up a water bottle.

  “Felicity, I thought your headphones were on…I didn’t mean to…” Alex says through the door.

  “What is going on?” Damian asks Alex. I hear them standing there waiti
ng for me to come out. I don’t think I have ever been so angry in my life.

  I walk through the door and aim my anger at the correct target.

  “Did you tell those assholes that I had a seizure on you? Did you tell them about it?”

  “He told me, Felicity. Just me. This isn’t on him,” Alex says, and I yell at him.

  “I will get to you in a minute!”

  “I told Alex,” Damian says softly. I shake my head.

  “And based on his comments you didn’t leave much out, did you?” I say starting to walk away.

  “Alex what the hell did you do?” Damian shouts at him.

  “I thought her headphones were in!”

  “And that’s an excuse?” I yell.

  “Felicity, Damian told me in confidence…I am sorry,” Alex says, and I explode on him.

  “Who asks me out and who doesn’t is none of your concern, Alex. And, to be clear, the fact that you are telling people to stay away from me and exclude me because I have seizures is pathetic,” I say.

  I turn to walk away again, and Damian grabs my arm.

  “Fee, wait,” he begs.

  “I don’t want to talk about it and I can’t even look at you right now,” I say looking down. “But so, we are clear—stay the hell away from me, Damian.”

  He lets go and I walk to my room and lock myself in. I don’t talk to him. I hear my phone buzz, but I refuse to answer. He stops texting after a few hours. Then comes the knocking the next day. I stay in my room all day Sunday. I just felt too raw. He complained to his friends about taking care of me. I almost prefer Daniel and Mel’s flat out complaints compared to this. Plus—now they all know. Everyone will know just how much of a charity case I really am.

  “Baby Girl, you can’t avoid me forever,” he says into my door.

  “I sure as hell will try,” I mutter.

  “Felicity—is that it then? I talk to a friend about something that scared me, and we are done?”

  “Pretty much,” I call through the door. Mere and Nat are on the texting wagon now. Apparently, Damian told them what happened. I ignore them too.

  It’s three AM when he tries again and for that alone I may kill him. I hear the knock in my sleep and I throw a pillow at the door.

  “Go away!” I yell.

  “Felicity, please,” he says, and I can tell he’s hurting and it guts me. Friendzone, Fee. Friendzone. I remind myself.

  I open the door in my sports bra and sweats. He is standing there shirtless and in his own pajama bottoms.

  “This couldn’t wait until morning?” I say coldly. He races into my room pacing.

  “I know you’re mad, but I…I needed to talk to someone about it…and I…I really hate it when you are mad at me. Please don’t be mad at me,” he stammers, and I can tell he is drunk. He smells like whiskey. And he looks devastated. “Alex is an ass…I…”

  “Go back to your room, Damian,” I say opening the door.

  “I didn’t mean to piss you off, Felicity. And now you’re in here, all sad,” he says, and he cups my chin. Instantly, my legs feel like butter and I do a piss poor job hiding it. I hope he is too drunk to notice.

  “You’re drunk,” I say softly.

  “And sorry. I am a very sorry drunk,” he says, and he nearly topples over. I catch him and he looks down at me.

  “Please stop hating me,” he says. I shake my head. I can’t carry him up the stairs.

  “Lay down with me. Get some sleep. You’re too drunk, Damian.”

  “Okay.”

  “Would you have said yes?” he asks in the dark.

  “What?” I say confused.

  “To John,” he says.

  “Probably not.”

  “Why don’t you date, Fee?” he asks. He’s a sweet drunk. I have never seen him like this, still sad but also oddly happy. He is drawing circles on my back, trying to get me to talk to him. It’s working, I am being lulled into talking, distracted by his touch. What could it hurt anyway? He is pretty drunk, he probably won’t remember.

  “My seizures hinder relationships.”

  “We have a relationship and we are fine,” he says.

  “Give it time,” I say softly.

  “Not everyone is that shallow,” Damian says, stopping his circles. I speak to the wall more than him.

  “I would prefer not to be a burden on anyone else,” I whisper. “I’m enough of a hassle.”

  “Is this why you friendzoned me.”

  “You had a choice, Dame.”

  “No, I didn’t Fee. Not really.”

  “You were friendzoned because you like sleeping around and I don’t.”

  “What if I didn’t sleep around?” he asks.

  “I don’t think you could stop, not even for me,” I say softly.

  We wake up spooning on the tiny dorm bed. He’s playing with my hair and I like it way too much. He is sending sparks down my body and I can’t let that happen.

  “Don’t,” I whisper, and he immediately stops.

  “Do you remember any of that conversation last night?”

  “I don’t even remember coming here last night,” he says.

  “Good, get out then,” I say getting up to go to class. Which isn’t for a few hours, but I refuse to stay here with him.

  “Your class doesn’t start until eleven, why are you getting up?”

  “Because I am still pissed at you,” I say sitting on the edge of the bed.

  “You didn’t seem all that pissed ten seconds ago.”

  “Because you were upset, Damian. Drunk and upset. Just because I am mad doesn’t mean I don’t care. But, you’re fine now and that means I can be pissed at you,” I say.

  “We didn’t sleep together, right? I didn’t do anything stupid?” he says, and it slays me that he thinks sleeping with me would be stupid.

  “No, I wouldn’t sleep with you, Damian, Jesus Christ. Get out.”

  “Baby Girl, please.”

  “Please what? I don’t tell people about my epilepsy, Damian. You know that,” I say putting on pants. He’d normally be distracted by the fact that I just changed in front of him, but today he doesn’t miss a beat.

  “The attack scared me, Felicity. Remember, Alex got us food that day. He saw how upset I was and I needed someone to talk to…I am sorry. I am pissed about what he said, but I can’t control what he says or does.”

  “Get. Out.”

  “Just stop pushing me out because you feel vulnerable, Fee. It isn’t fair,” he says.

  “Life’s not fair.” I say throwing on a hoodie and my hair up in a ponytail. I grab my keys and head to get coffee and let Zeke out. I figured he will get the picture and leave. I was wrong.

  He is still here when I get back from all my classes.

  “For God’s sake, Damian,” I say when I see him opening and shutting doors of my cabinets.

  “You have no food here. Just dog food.”

  “Yea,” I say.

  “Do you go hungry, Fee?”

  “I pay for everything I have, Dame. Mel and Daniel only cover medical bills, that’s it. I don’t have a mom like you do.”

  “You need to take care of yourself.”

  “You need to leave my dorm room,” I say looking at him.

  “You didn’t leave the dorms all day yesterday.” How did he know that?

  “So?”

  “So, you have no food here. You haven’t eaten, Fee.”

  “One day without food isn’t going to hurt me, Damian. I’ve done it before.”

  “Except you ran out of the dining hall—you didn’t eat Saturday either.”

  “I ate enough,” I say.

  He sighs, “Just promise me, you’ll get food with me later tonight.”

  “No. Find someone else to talk to, Damian. There are plenty of girls willing.”

  “They’re not you and you don’t want that you are just mad.” He is right.

  I slam my stuff down and sit at my desk and open my homework.

&nb
sp; “Are you done sharing my personal life with your douchebag friends?” I say not looking behind me.

  “Yes.”

  “Fine, you’re buying,” I say not looking at him.

  “Of course,” he says coming and kissing my head. I refuse to let myself feel anything—but butterflies go down to my stomach anyway. I can’t do that, I remind myself.

  “Yea. Yea. Out,” I say shoving him away.

  “You got it.”

  Winter Break

  Damian and I have successfully gone back to our usual routine. He doesn’t bring up Daniel or Mel, and neither do I. I’m not talking about that part of my life with him right now, even though he hints about the holidays and my sister.

  I sit on my futon and try to finish up Meredith’s present before she goes on winter break. She isn’t my biggest fan right now, particularly since she thinks I “crawled” back to Damian, but she will get over it. I am making her a cross-stitched sign that says “I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly like a fucking lady” with intricate flowers around it.

  Nan got me into cross-stitching with her when I would visit on Sundays when she went to a home. When I was a teen and I saw that there were patterns with cuss words—I was all in. I love making my friends mean signs. I gave Natalie hers yesterday and it said, “I’m a delicate fucking flower.”

  I work on Mere’s today because her last final is tomorrow, and I really feel the need to stab something. The last few days financial aid dropped a big burden on my doorstep—one of my grants fell through. I am now on the hook for five thousand more dollars than I expected. Stab. Pull it through. Stab. Pull it through.

  Mel and I are working on it and I am trying to figure out a way that I can stay here—but I am at a loss. I am surprised she is helping me figure it out at all, Daniel must not know about it. I am glad that the holidays are coming up and everyone is going to be gone. I grabbed a stack of movies that Nan left me, and I plan to spend the next month vegging with Zeke and ignoring other people and my problems. I finish the last stitch on Mere’s gift when Damian comes walking in and over to my closet. His last final was today. Mine was Wednesday, because I lucked out on scheduling.