Just As Much Page 5

  “You’re welcome. Now let’s get down to business,” he says, and I shake my head. He looks like he is trying to explain a game to me. All excited and smiles. I would be happy to see him smile like that, if it wasn’t for this particular activity. It seems so wrong for his personality. Those are not my genuine eyes, they are a façade and I don’t recognize them anymore.

  “If I am into a girl, you are my cousin, if I am not into her you are my girlfriend. Same goes for guys for you.”

  “What if I am into guy standing next to a girl and I like him, and you don’t like her?” I say trying to be sarcastic.

  “We flip a coin,” he says glaring at me.

  “I am a disgrace to my gender and all people who identify as it,” I say shaking my head solemnly.

  “Give me your best wingwoman,” he says laughing at me.

  “Have you met, Damian?” I say giving my best Barney impersonation.

  “You watch way too much Netflix. Really. It has been two weeks and I have ruined you.”

  “How I Met Your Mother is on cable, Dame. I have seen it before.”

  “You know, I used to get made fun of in school, the kids called me Dame Turner. Like it was a title. For a woman,” he says, and I look at him.

  “So, I can’t call you, Dame?” I say looking at him. “Even if I mean it as an endearment, not a hit to your fragile masculinity?” I say sweetly and he glares at me.

  “Call me what you want, Demon.”

  “Manwhore,” I say, putting on Zeke’s vest and lead for us to go. I slip Natalie’s sandals back on and Damian groans.

  “One more thing,” Damian says seriously.

  “What?” I say noticing his change in tone.

  “If we get separated. If you go home with anyone, if I go home with anyone, you have to promise me you won’t walk home alone, and you will text me when you get here safely. Guy or no guy.”

  “This hunt is for you, not me,” I say rolling my eyes.

  “Could have fooled me,” he says winking and I shove him forward.

  “Promise me, Fee,” he says harder this time. I see the genuine look and I nod.

  “I promise.”

  We walk to a bar on Main Street, just north of campus. Damian keeps eying me up and down when he thinks I’m not looking, and I can’t help but enjoy it. He is giving me the same attention he typically gives the girls that walk past us on the quad. Hell, even when he was trying to pick me up, he never looked at me quite like this and I like it. Careful, Fee. You made the rules. Stick to the rules.

  When we get there, I see a lot of familiar faces, most of which know Damian. Some of which most likely know Damian in more of a biblical sense based on some of the glares he is getting from a table on the other side of the bar. He waves to a couple guys in the back and goes to get some drinks. I roll my eyes at him and find a spot for Zeke to have some room. I’m grateful that this isn’t a bar with too many flashing lights. I’m not ready to tell Damian quite yet.

  I feel people staring at me. I am kind of hoping it is because I look nice and not because of the dog at my feet, but people just love dogs. Drunks and children navigate towards me more than ever, and the former gets on my nerves. Three-year-olds, I’ve got this. A grown ass man acting like he is a three-year-old because of chemicals he put in his body, not my forte.

  I hide Zeke in a corner where he won’t be kicked and wait for Damian to find me. But a guy comes over and sits next to me.

  “Hey, can I get you a drink?” he says.

  “My boyfriend is already getting me one,” I say with a faux grimace. He looks peeved and walks away, directly past Damian, slightly hitting him on the shoulder.

  “You’re already making friends, I see,” Damian says sitting down with his beer. He hands me a drink as well.

  “I was hit on. I don’t like being hit on,” I say looking down at the drink.

  “I recall that much,” Damian says looking almost hurt, and I look at him.

  “I don’t drink, Damian. I meant it when I said that,” I say pushing the drink over to him.

  “It’s a coke, Fee. No booze. Nothing. And speaking of which, don’t trust any drink a man here gives you,” he says.

  I eye him up and down and look at the drink gesturing towards it.

  “I don’t count,” he says rolling his eyes. “Drink it. People will think you are drinking a rum and coke and will leave you alone. You don’t want people to know you don’t drink, they will pressure you.”

  “Wow, roofies and peer pressure all in one clean sweep. What would I do without all this mansplaining?” I say picking up the coke and taking a sip.

  “I’m sorry. I know you know these things,” he says sincerely, and I laugh at him.

  “You’re actually worried about me,” I say smirking at him and sipping my coke through the little straw.

  “You gave me a lecture about you being uncomfortable here!” he says. I don’t like big brother, Damian, it’s too much like caring for me, and I don’t want that.

  “Stop treating me like your kid sister, that won’t go over well with me,” I say sincerely, and he gives me a look that I can’t quite identify—somewhere between sympathy and anger, I think.

  “You have a real problem with people being kind or taking care of you, you know that?” he says genuinely.

  “Girl. Five ten, leggy, blonde, just your type,” I say pointing and sipping my coke. Damian looks and grimaces.

  “That’s Ashley Barns,” he says, and I can tell he doesn’t like her by the look on his face, his eyes are slightly darker.

  “And we don’t like Ashley?” I say.

  “She’s not too kind and she doesn’t like the word no,” he says.

  “Like I said, your type,” I say smiling.

  “Cute, Fee,” he says.

  “She is coming over here,” I say and Damian scoots closer to me and puts his arm around me. I try to ignore the shocks that go down my spine and I am hoping he doesn’t notice.

  “Damian! I haven’t seen you yet this semester. How are you?” she asks trying to get in-between us.

  “Been really busy. But hey, Ashley I would like you to meet my girl, Fee. Baby Girl this is Ashley,” he says to the both of us. I am appalled at the use of pet names, but I don’t say anything. I just play along.

  “Nice to meet you,” I say with a smile and she noticeably gets cold.

  “You certainly didn’t have a girlfriend last weekend,” she says looking over at a girl who is eying Damian from the other side of the room. She must be last weekend’s conquest. I look at her and I feel bad. She is looking over at Damian like he is the last person she wants to see right now and as if he is the only man in the room. He’s confused her, and he probably doesn’t even realize the damage.

  “But he has one right now, don’t you, kitten,” I say looking at him and he gives me a look, and then looks over at Ashley.

  “For now,” he says looking at me with a smirk.

  “Aren’t you two cute. You already have inside jokes,” she says, and she gives us a look as she walks away.

  “Better than being a joke,” I mutter, and Damian lightly shoves my arm.

  “Kitten. The best pet name you could come up with, was kitten?”

  “Baby Girl?! Who the hell do you think you are, Shemar Moore?”

  “Oh, that’s it. Baby Girl is staying,” he says. “I think I like it better than Demon or Evil spawn.”

  “Then kitten it is,” I say looking up at him. I laugh because he is going to freak when he learns that kitten is a common pet name for female subs in BDSM, at least in all the smut novels I may or may not have read. I laugh and he looks at me like I am insane.

  “Want another coke?” he asks, and I nod as he gets us more drinks. I’m going to have to give him money soon, I don’t like handouts as much as I do enjoy the food Damian purchases for me. I watch as Damian goes over and talks to a few girls as he waits. He winks at me and I just watch him as he flirts, casually touching, and
laughing with them. He has it down to an art form.

  I wait. Ten minutes. Twenty. Damian stands there, my drink in front of him, but he is talking to a blonde. He tucks a curl behind her ear and grins. Why am I here? I start to leave, and a couple of guys walk over to me and I am cornered between them and the wall. I look up at them expectantly waiting for some sort of explanation for invading my personal space.

  “So, this is Turner’s girl?” the guy to my right asks.

  “Lucky guy,” the other says and I roll my eyes.

  “May I help you?” I ask looking at them.

  “You don’t seem like his usual type,” the one in the left adds.

  “I have a vagina, so I think I might be his type,” I say, and they chuckle at me. I look over to the table of girls I saw when I came in. Apparently, they have boyfriends, because they are staring intently over here.

  “You’re hot. You don’t want to get caught up in him. Why don’t you come over to our table? We can buy you some drinks?”

  “I think I am good. Now if you will excuse me,” I say standing up, trying to get by them. I do not like how they are looking at me. I try to push through and one of them grabs Zeke’s lead and knocks it out of my hand underneath the table. I hate men. I reach down to pick up the leash and the drunken asshole pushes me down and puts the crotch of his pants in my face. Someone is happy to see me, but luckily the zipper remains done up. The other one is blocking so other people can’t see, what a good friend. I grab the leash and I get up despite him being so close, but this gives him a clean shot at feeling me up as I stand based on how the romper is cut. With a well-placed hand that looks innocent to everyone else, he manages to place a calloused, cold hand over my breast. When I am fully standing up his hand is still lightly touching my chest.

  “I believe I said excuse me,” I say not moving his hand and not reacting. No one sees. No one is paying attention, and I don’t want to anger the guy and make it worse. I look over at Damian, still talking to the blonde.

  “What? I thought you liked being treated like a slut?” the guy says, and I look him dead in the eye.

  “Stop touching me and walk away. You’re drunk,” I whisper, but they both are closing what little distance I have gained from them.

  Damian walks back over, and the guy doesn’t walk away.

  “What’s up, Jess?” Damian says looking at him.

  “Some girl you have here, Damian. Five minutes and I’ve already made it to second base,” the idiot says, and I have had it. I knee him in the crotch. He groans on the floor and I look down at him.

  “What? I thought you liked being treated like a dick?” I say stepping over him, “I believe I said excuse me.” I see the guards heading this way, so I go out the back door before they can yell or whatever. With Zeke in tow I head to the alley and get some air. Damian is following close behind.

  “Fee?” he asks. But I am counting to ten, trying to get all the ways that situation could have gone out of my head. It was just a touch. Only a touch. I look up and Damian is patiently waiting for me, he is looking down at my romper—which is out of alignment, for a better word.

  “I’m fine. They were just idiots,” I say readjusting my romper and taking a moment.

  “Did he really touch you?” Damian asks, anger in his tone.

  “Sure did,” I say looking at him. I have tears in my eyes, but they are from anger.

  “I’ll kill them,” Damian says, and I stop him.

  “He touched mine, I kicked his. It’s fine,” I say.

  “No. No it’s not fine,” Damian says livid. But I am angry, and he is just as good as a target as anyone.

  “Why Damian? Because I was the target? Not some blonde that you don’t bother to learn her name?”

  “Do not compare what I do to sexual assault, Felicity,” Damian says after taking a moment to recover from what I just said. I know I am aiming for below the belt.

  “That man in there? The one who moves around like a shark looking for his prey? That is not my friend. I don’t know who that is, and I don’t think I like him. You are so much better than that,” I say angrily walking away. I hear him follow me.

  “Felicity!” he yells, and I slow down. I glare at him. He is pissed, looking at me and shaking his head.

  “Let me walk you home,” he says, and I nod.

  “You knew who I was when you met me, Fee,” he says softly.

  “No. I had no clue who you were when I met you. I still don’t know you. Because half the time you are pretending to be someone you are not.”

  “Oh, well I am glad you think you have got me pegged,” Damian scoffs.

  “If you were as badass and womanizing as you portrayed yourself to be, you would be back at the bar, not walking me home,” I say softly.

  “No Fee, if I was as manipulative and conniving as you think I am, I would be back at the bar picking up women,” he says, and we just walk the rest of the way to the dorms in brooding silence. I go in and he leaves.

  I take Natalie’s romper off and put on sweats and a ratty t-shirt. I crawl into bed and just let it out, not even removing my make-up. I think Meredith is right. I can’t do this.

  A few minutes later I hear a knock on my door and I look to see it is Damian. I open it.

  “Casual sex isn’t a crime. I shouldn’t feel guilty right now. And I am not Jesse. How could you compare me to that creep?” he says looking at me.

  “Shouldn’t you be back at the bar picking up your next conquest?” I say harshly.

  “Dammit, Fee!” he says throwing his hands in the air. The hallway lights are always on, but they dim at midnight. The shadows are playing across Damian’s face and he looks like he wants to kill me.

  “I shouldn’t have compared you to him. I’m…upset,” I say softly. “You’re nothing like him.”

  “Felicity, you are putting me down, a lot. And I haven’t been anything but your friend. Like we agreed. It just seems like you don’t have one good thing to say about me. You keep mentioning that you shouldn’t be my friend. Why make the pact to be friends if you hate me so much? What makes you want to hate me?” I sigh and look him in the eye—he is hurting. I am hurting him, and guilt dredges my stomach.

  “Want to come in?” I say softly.

  Maybe Daniel’s anger had its effect on me too. I sigh, I don’t want to make him feel like shit, that is not my intention.

  I grab his hand and sit on the bed. I look down when I say the words, refusing to look him in the eye.

  “I don’t like seeing that side of you,” I say. “I’m sorry if I have been making underhand comments, it just bugs me when you act that way.”

  “Why?” he asks sounding hurt, but I don’t look up.

  “I am your friend. And part of being your friend is being honest with you. I think you are better than how you are behaving. You’re kind. You never put me down or let anyone else do it in front of you, but you…” I stop myself.

  “You let me see a part of you that no one around here knows exists and I think that is a shame. Forgive me, I didn’t mean to make you believe that I didn’t think highly of you, because I do. I just don’t like that part of you. But part of being someone’s friend is accepting their decisions, warts and all, so I will stop tearing into you for it. I will accept it. Because I know that person I saw tonight wasn’t the real you.”

  “What if it was?”

  “Damian, I wouldn’t be here if that was the real you.”

  “Can you look me in the eye and say that?” he says, and I muster the strength and look up. I hate looking at him when I am being all vulnerable, I don’t want to read into his reactions, I tend to think the worse. I see hurt and disappointment in his features and my gut wrenches.

  “I wouldn’t be friends with you if I thought you were a horrible person. And I am sorry,” I say, and I see a little of his pain go away.

  “I’ve hurt your feelings,” I say. He just looks away refusing to acknowledge my statement.

 
; “I just don’t want you to hate me.”

  “If I wanted to hate you, kitten, I would.”

  “That name is really going to stick?”

  “Oh yea,” I say looking at him and smiling. “Just wait until I tell you about its origin,” I say laughing.

  “Are we okay?” he asks.

  “I can accept it. I am sorry,” I say, and he squeezes my hand.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “Say anything about how you told me to change beforehand and I’ll kill you,” I mutter.

  “It shouldn’t matter what you wear, Fee. You didn’t give him permission to touch you. I didn’t want you to change because I thought men would hurt you, I wanted you to change because other men would be seeing you. I was jealous.” I get butterflies on that one, but I am quick to swallow them down. I can’t let myself fall for him as long as he is willing to sleep around.

  “Well, swan has gone back to ugly duckling and she plans on keeping it that way.”

  “Don’t call yourself ugly. You aren’t ugly,” he says, but tonight was the only night he has looked at me more than he looked at everyone else.

  “Do you want to report what happened, Fee?” Damian says.

  “No, it’s not worth the hassle.”

  “You are worth the hassle, Fee.”

  “Yea,” I say with a sigh. I look at the time and it is two in the morning.

  “I have got to get some sleep,” I say looking at him. He looks at me carefully.

  “You’ve been crying,” he says solemnly. I don’t acknowledge him.

  “I’m tired,” I say.

  “Can I stay?” he asks sheepishly.

  My immediate thought is no. I can’t have all-nighters. I know that. I definitely know that. I start to shake my head no when he looks up.

  “You shouldn’t be alone, Fee,” I can tell he is only wanting to stay because knows that tonight upset me more than I am telling him.

  “You get the futon,” I say as I grab extra blankets and give him one of my pillows.

  “Thank you,” he says laying down.

  “For what?” I say.

  “I had to randomly select my roommate this year. He’s a football player. He smells. I prefer it here with you,” Damian says wrapping up in one of my blankets.