Just As Much Read online

  “I saw my life flash before my very eyes,” he says. But then he gets kind of serious on me while I finish laughing.

  “What?” I say looking at my room and him.

  “I want to do this right. I’m kissing you goodnight,” he says.

  “You’re not coming in?” I say.

  “Nope. I want this to be a real first date, Fee. You should be able to call your friends and tell them about it and all that jazz. You don’t go home with a first date,” he says pulling me close.

  “You don’t?” I say eying him.

  “Fee…”

  “My home is your home, goober.”

  “You know what I am implying,” he says.

  “Not sleeping with the first date is weird for you, huh?” I roll my eyes.

  “Just let me have this,” he says reaching down and kissing me until I’m breathless.

  “Goodnight, Fee.”

  “Move in together, he said. It will be fun, he said,” I say touching my swollen lips.

  He chuckles.

  “Just don’t go in there and panic. Okay?” he says looking worried.

  “Goodnight, Damian,” I say going into my room.

  I text Nat.

  Reality check

  She texts back.

  No more reality checks, Fee. I’m glad it went well.

  I leave my phone sitting there and start to get ready for bed. I don’t feel like telling anyone yet. I feel like keeping this night as my own.

  I don’t feel as scared and I think that makes me more afraid of what will happen if I am right about us. But I refuse to dwell on it right now, instead I decide to relax and daydream about cotton candy and sweet kisses.

  I fall asleep watching Law and Order reruns. Damian doesn’t come back out. I listened to see if he did, but I never heard him.

  I dream of Mom and our own carnival trip. Her taking me on the Ferris wheel and letting me play almost every game. I was covered in candy and dirt and Mom was laughing. We came home to my father scolding my mother for keeping me out so late and for not thinking about her own health. I knew she was sick then, but she was desperately trying to hide it. She was forty-two when I was born. Fifty-one when cervical cancer won. But even older and sick, she played with me all the time.

  In my dream I look up and my father was so solemn. I wake up missing her and him. I bet they’d be divorced if they were alive today. My mom was too much of a free spirit for my father. I wonder if that is what made Mel choose Daniel of all people.

  I get up and get a glass of water and I stare at Damian’s door. It’s two in the morning, I really shouldn’t bother him. But I don’t want to be alone. Fear reaches my gut when I open his door and look at him sound asleep. I would be doing this, even if we weren’t dating. Wait. We aren’t dating. Stop it, Felicity.

  I go into his room and lay down next to him.

  “Fee?” he asks, and I smile. It feels good to know that he assumes the girl crawling into bed with him is me.

  “For your sake it better be,” I say, and he chuckles.

  “What are you doing?” he asks, and I look at him in the dark. He looks scared.

  “I’ve decided I am sleeping here,” I say turning over to hug him.

  “Have you now?” he says hugging me back, he sounds less terrified. I am going to have to ask him about that later.

  “May I ask why?” he asks.

  “I had a dream.”

  “A nightmare?”

  “Nope, just a dream. I didn’t want to be alone.”

  “What kind of dream?” he says tucking the hair out of my face.

  “My original carnival day, with my mom.”

  “Ahh…” he says pulling me closer.

  “I remember my parents so differently now,” I say softly.

  “How so?”

  “Back then I didn’t see how different they were. My mom was such a free spirit. I mean that day I was covered in dirt and grime and we were playing, and she was enjoying every minute of it with me.”

  “What about your Dad?”

  “He was a stiff, old man. Thought my mother coddled me. I remember once, my Nan telling me he had a sense of humor, he just lost it somewhere. So, when I went home from her house one day, I searched our house for it, and he yelled at me when I told him I was looking for his humor.”

  “That’s fucking adorable.”

  “Now, I guess,” I say.

  “I dream about my Dad, too,” he says. “I’m sorry if tonight...” He starts but I interrupt him.

  “Nope. No apologizing for my amazing hearts and flowers date,” I say taking more covers from him.

  “Christ, Fee. You’re only wearing a shirt?” he says groaning as my leg grazes his. Oops, I really didn’t think about that. But in my defense, it’s three sizes too big for me, it fits me like a night gown. And I have on underwear, it’s not just a shirt.

  “In my defense, I didn’t exactly plan on coming in here, I just…” I want to say I needed him, but I don’t want to admit that.

  “Go to sleep, sweetheart,” He says, and I feel giddy. Sweetheart is a new one. I like sweetheart. Damnit. I like being called sweetheart.

  “Don’t have to tell me twice,” I say as I take in the safety I feel around him.

  We wake up wrapped up together. As much as I want to stay there, it’s Tuesday and I have coffee with Mattie. So, I start to get up. He hugs me to him.

  “It’s raining out there, we should stay in,” he says pulling me to him.

  “I would if I could, but I can’t,” I say moving some of the hair out of his face.

  “It’s break, Fee. Sleep in,” he says.

  “Observant,” I say laughing at him, “but I do have plans.”

  “Plans? At seven in the morning?” he asks.

  “A coffee date,” I say sitting up, but he brings me back to the pillow slowly by placing a hand on my stomach and gently pushing me down.

  “Date? Will he kiss you like this?” he says as he reaches down and takes my mouth. He is giving me one of the dominating kisses again, his tongue expertly moving in and out of me while one of his hands find my chin holding me there. I am all wrapped up in Damian, his smell, his hands, his tongue and I react instantly. I push myself up off the bed closer to him, matching his intensity the best as I can. He gently pushes me back down taking full control over the kiss. He is not playing fair, I can’t move beneath him to reciprocate. He stops and it takes me a full five minutes to develop a coherent sentence. Damian winces, looking scared as I take a few cleansing breaths.

  “No, but it would be weird if he did… considering I am getting coffee with your brother,” I say breathily, trying to get oxygen.

  “Fee,” he sighs out of breath himself. “If you are trying to make me jealous or check my resolve on this whole you can do whatever you want thing, could we at least leave my brother out of it?”

  I move so I am on top of him before he or I could think about it.

  “Damian, I already told you. I don’t think that you are playing me. Why would I play you?”

  “I don’t know, entertainment,” he says unenthused. I kiss him on the forehead, amazed at my confidence to straddle him and not wanting to lose the high. But I quickly realize, I am only wearing a shirt, so I get off of him. I am afraid of the fear or remorse I will have when I leave this room.

  “Your brother and I get coffee every Tuesday, kitten. We have been for a while now.”

  “Woah…woah…woah…you have a standing date with my brother?” he says.

  “We talk,” I shrug.

  “Why didn’t I know this?”

  “Because you’re insanely jealous and up until recently it has been none of your business what I do? You have got to get over this thing with your brother,” I sigh.

  “What thing?”

  “You don’t like me around him. We are friends, Damian.”

  “Yea, and we were friends too. Look how that is turning out,” he sighs.

  “Don’t c
ount your chickens, kitten. I’ve got to go,” I say going to my room. He follows.

  “Why didn’t you tell me if it wasn’t a big deal?” he says looking peeved, but I don’t buy it. He is up to something—pissed him has a lot less smile in his features.

  “I am telling you now. It wasn’t any of your business, Damian. We were just friends.”

  “Were we? What are we now?” he says with a coy smile. He knew I was going to say that.

  “Murder and victim if you don’t stop toying with me,” I say sweetly, and he moves.

  “Can’t blame me for trying, Baby Girl,” he says.

  “You aren’t going to get a shower?” he says as he notices me pull my hair up. I never leave without showering, but I am going to be late.

  “Thanks to someone’s morning antics, I am off to a slow start. Besides, it is just Mattie,” I say rolling my eyes as I pick out some clothes.

  “You could be later…” he says walking in. He is really trying to get me to stay. “Since it’s just Mattie.”

  “Damian, get out. I need to get dressed to go,” I say after grabbing everything I need. He just stands there, with a smug grin.

  He has been playing me most of this break. Small touches, innocent kisses, making me say how I feel. It is putting me on intimacy overload, and so far, I have been nice, enjoying his games. But two can play.

  I look him in the eye as I slip off my underwear, completely covered underneath my giant shirt.

  He gulps and I see him all hot and bothered.

  I enjoyed that. I grab my new pair and hesitate a tad. There really isn’t a way to not show off the goods when you are putting a thong on. But I start to and Damian breaks. He looks away, turned on and I win.

  “Christ, you win,” he says breathily.

  He never reacted this way when Kyra was running around half nude. He already got what he wanted from Kyra, Fee.

  He leaves and I finish getting dressed, wearing a smug look on my face when I see him. He thinks I’m cute.

  He is sitting on the couch, pouting while I put Zeke’s lead on.

  “You’re impossible,” I say shaking my head.

  “Have fun,” he says sarcastically, eating a bowl of cereal.

  I sit down next to him.

  “I in no way have any sexual attraction to your brother, and I love his girlfriend, Lydia. Who I also get coffee with the occasional Tuesday. Could you stop acting like a five-year-old?”

  “He didn’t tell us about a Lydia,” Damian says.

  “He doesn’t tell you and your mom a lot of things. Just like you don’t tell them a lot of things,” I say.

  “Are there anymore relationships you have with people in my life that I don’t know about?”

  “Your mother calls me every few days or so. Got to go, Dame!” I say while his mouth hangs open. I grab the spoon and take a bite of his cereal as I get up and head for the door.

  Limits

  When I walk into the coffee shop, it is just Matt this week. He is smiling and I am grinning ear to ear. I haven’t stopped really.

  “So, I hear you had a date,” Matt says as I sit down. He already got my usual and I smile at him.

  “I did. Thank you for helping him,” I say.

  “I don’t believe I have ever seen you smile so much. Are you two a thing now?” he asks.

  “Not really,” I say, and he looks confused. I explain Damian’s little deal.

  Matt sighs and shakes his head.

  “So, you two went from a shitty deal, to a slightly less shitty deal,” he says taking a drink.

  “How am I supposed to know I am enough to keep his interest? That he won’t go for another girl once I am less of a challenge or when this gets too hard? I mean I have heard the man rank women on a scale, Mattie,” I say rolling my eyes.

  “You’re afraid you won’t match up?” he asks.

  “Half of me believes what everyone is warning me about, half of me doesn’t.”

  “Do you think Damian loves you?”

  “I know he does.”

  “Then stop with the crazy ass deals already.”

  “Is your mom mad we didn’t go home?” I ask and I realize I just called Damian’s home my home and I really shouldn’t do that. I feel like I said to much, but Matt smiles at me.

  “She misses both of you. But to be honest, if this gets the two of you together, I think she will forgive it.”

  “How will she feel if we are living together and dating?” I say with a grimace.

  “It’s not like we expected anything less, Felicity. You two are obvious,” he says rolling his eyes.

  As he heads to leave for work I give him a hug.

  “Thank you, Mattie,” I say softly.

  “Matt,” he corrects, but with a wink.

  I head back to the apartment and Damian is waiting for me, watching TV on my futon.

  “Hi,” he says as I walk in. I have two options: sit next to him on the futon and be close or sit on the recliner. Fuck that futon. I am not being another girl on it with him.

  “Hi,” I say purposefully sitting on the recliner. He laughs at me.

  “Is that to spite me or do you really hate the couch that much?” he says scooting to where he can touch me. He plays with my hand, running circles with his fingers. I close my eyes, but realize I never answered him.

  “Would you want it, if it were me and the situation was reversed?” I say, showing my annoyance at the damn thing.

  “I am sorry, Fee,” he says honestly. He gives me a look that shows all his guilt.

  “You didn’t know. This isn’t going to work if you keep feeling guilty,” I say, and he smirks at me.

  “We aren’t going to work? There is something to work?” he says hopefully. I just reach over and kiss him on the cheek.

  He gives me a look.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You smell like my brother’s cologne,” he says rolling his eyes. I remember him smelling like perfume not too long ago. That didn’t feel good.

  “I need a shower anyway,” I say softly getting up and squeezing his hand.

  He still looks somewhat crabby.

  “A hug, Damian. It was a hug,” I sing going into my room.

  I call Natalie.

  “Hey, how is it going?” she says.

  “I am struggling with the whole ‘living with someone you are just starting to date’ thing,” I sigh, and she laughs at me.

  “What is wrong, Fee?”

  “Before all this, I would go out there wearing whatever the hell I wanted. I wouldn’t care what I looked like and I definitely wouldn’t be standing here in a towel having no clue how to be comfortable in my own place,” I rant, and she laughs at me.

  “Damian has seen you, Fee, and he still likes you. Just go and be comfy.”

  “I know, but this isn’t how it normally goes, Nat. When you just start dating you aren’t supposed to be living together. It’s hella awkward.”

  “Fee, when you just start dating you are getting to know the person. You and Damian already know each other.”

  “I feel like I am skipping a million steps,” I sigh.

  “More like ten,” she says rationalizing.

  “Nat. Come on.”

  “Felicity, you have been emotionally dating Damian since you went on your VERY first date. Neither one of you would admit that. Now you just have to let the physical catch up. Relax. Put on something that makes you feel good, but that you’ll be comfortable in and go out there and just BE normal. You are making it more difficult than this needs to be.”

  “Yea,” I say. I just need deep breaths. I’ve got this.

  I hang up after Natalie talks to me a few minutes about her own problems. Apparently, the softball team lost their game, but baseball is moving on in this tournament.

  I walk out in leggings and an oversized shirt that I know Damian likes—he picked it out from one of his town’s little boutique places over break.

  But I just stand there in the mi
ddle of our living room. Because my futon is gone.

  “Damian?” I call. Zeke and I both look around for him, until he comes in from the front door.

  I just gesture towards the place our couch should be.

  “Gone,” he says, and I just look at him, shocked.

  “We will have a new one Friday.”

  “You just threw away my futon!” I say looking at him.

  “Gave away. Yes,” he says laughing and I am still in disbelief. “Again. Our new one will be here on Friday.”

  “You’re insane. You know that, right?” I say walking into the kitchen.

  “You weren’t sitting on it anymore.”

  “I know,” I say getting a glass of water. “You’re lucky your bed is comfortable.”

  He just comes up from behind and hugs me.

  “Want me to get a new bed too?” he says teasing.

  “No,” I say feeling my heartrate skyrocket from the way he is holding me.

  “You smell better,” he says, and I laugh.

  “Come on, I have an idea,” I say looking at him and he smiles as I lead him to our apartment’s storage space downstairs.

  When Nan died they cleaned out her room and her storage. Mattie helped me retrieve the trunks of her things that were mine from Mel’s one Tuesday instead of getting coffee. I was tired of Daniel’s threats and I had storage space now. Mel kept the furniture. But I kept all their memories. My Nan’s photos, pictures from my parent’s wedding, my baby album. All the important stuff. I even have my parent’s wedding rings, because Mel wanted her own. Nan had set them aside for me. All of my family wrapped up in three trunks.

  One of which that only has blankets made by my Nan out of boredom in the home. I look for it as Damian looks confused.

  “My trunks. I need one of my trunks,” I say, and he goes in the back and pulls the three of them out.

  “Which one?” he says, but they all pretty much look alike.

  I open the first and it’s Nan’s stuff. I quickly close it, but Damian stops me.

  “Is that you?” he says pointing. I open the trunk and pull out the photo, one of my school pictures that I gave to Nan.

  “Yea. I was fourteenish,” I say handing it to him.

  “Wow,” he says. “You’ve changed.”